I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
