if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
