??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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