All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
