I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
