Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
