guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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