3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
