I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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