My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
