Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
