apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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