also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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