She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
