I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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