I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
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