I'm so fucking centered right now
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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