You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
