Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
