I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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