i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
