what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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