Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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