Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
