You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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