Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
