I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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