I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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