I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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