Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
