omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
