How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Too much gin, very little bucket
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
