Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
