I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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