he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
