Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
