Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
