my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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