this boner is exhausting
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
