we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
