so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
