Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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