a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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