he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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