how can u be prego again
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
