Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
