I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
