Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
