I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
