Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you had me at cake vodka
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
