the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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