I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
