Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
