My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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